A book

I recently finished Stephen Colbert's book, I Am America (and so can you!) recommended by Lauren (shout out!). I had never watched The Colbert Report on tv so this book was my first taste of his humor and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Here are a few favorite excerpts of mine.

From part one, titled My American Childhood:

Then she (his mother) carried me to the living room to meet Ruth. I was not entirely clear on what a "babysitter" was so I naturally assumed this old woman was going to replace my parents forever. I was not on board with this plan.
....The minute my parents left, I ordered my stuffed animals to attack. No response. I threw them down the laundry chute and tried my luck with a real animal: our cat, Cleopatra. I carried her to my Emergency Bunker--the linen closet behind the vacuum cleaner.
That's when the enemy struck. Ruth was making fish sticks. I held Cleopatra close, but she scratched my face and dashed for the kitchen.
Desperate, I started praying--mostly to God, although it's possible a prayer to Santa may have slipped in there. I prayed He would bring my parents home and make our family home again.
And when I woke up the next morning, not only had God gotten rid of Ruth and brought back my parents, but He had also moved me from the linen closet to my own bed. Now that's service.

From the Introduction:
This book is Truth. My Truth.
I deliver my truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it's not going to be me. (It's going to be you).
Think you can handle it?

I'm scared of Koreans.

Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.

Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay.

See? I'm not pulling any punches. I'm telling it like it is.

From the Religion chapter:
Shinto
Shinto is a Japanese religion based on the worship of kami, or spirits, which inhabit everything. So any object or concept you want to pray to, you can.
....Plus, a whole bunch of magical beings based in different parts of nature? That's not religion, that's Pokemon!

From the Science Glossary:
Periodic Table
....What's with all the letters? Gold is Au? Welcome to America--speak English! Those letters have to be code for something, and I think I've cracked it. Check out the hidden message I found in the periodic Anagram of Elements.
Secret Message
Satan here. Congratulations! You broke code. Here are instructions.
Scientists: Assault faith, drain values.
Gays: Keep it up.
Yours,
Satan

From the Sports chapter:
So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how we get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes.
(I find extra humor in this, because from the little time I've spent at work or around people who fit this mold, I've seen it is true.
At a rather ghetto elementary school I substituted at last week, there was a shed on the playground. It was painted with two male African-American athletes on each side with the words:
Hard work + Big dreams = Sometimes success.
Great message. Dream big, kids and maybe all you'll be good for is the NBA.)

Brother Connor has started watching The Colbert Report here and there and told me one of the most recent things Stephen Colbert said on his show was that he wants Al Qaeda to have an Olympic team so we can fight them on ice and have their bobsled run into a pit of fire. You can see a great YouTube video about Al Qaeda on Connor's blog, here. Highly recommended.